Who am I?

It's a question I have asked myself many times and even to this day have not been able to fully answer. Sometimes in life we forget what's really important and lose sight of who we are. I know this is likely never going to see the light of day but in order to help myself, and others if it so happens, I begin the story of finding myself.
Where to begin, why the beginning of course. I was born into a lower class family of 7, parents both uneducated and siblings galore. I was often described as an angel, a perfect baby that never made a noise. As I grew I discovered the harshities that came with being from a large pakeha family. 2 brothers and 2 sisters all vying for attention left me alone and longing.
As a child I lived care free and confident, self assured in the fact that I was who I was supossed to be and nothing could change that. But as the years passed by I lacked a male role model in my life to look up to and aspire to be. At the age of about 8 thats when the teasing began. At first it was a few names and a few homosexual remarks, but in the subsequent years it became my whole world. At school, home and even church; no matter where I was. At first it was something I could easily brush off, but as it went on it got to the point where I could no longer so easily dismiss it. By the time I began high school I lacked a lot of confidence in myself and found it extremely difficult to trust anyone.
But with the beginning of high school came hope. Hope for a fresh start.  I did all that I could to make new friends but even so I couldn't let anyone close enough to truly hurt me. After less than a month it was evident that any hope that this torment would end was wasted. With new bullies, in a less strict school, the insults got worse. A number of times I recall feeling so helpless that I wanted to give in, but something inside me wasn't ready to give up. Many a time someone would come up to me and insult me and I would do all I could to pretend like it didn't hurt. Like somehow showing weakness would only make it worse.
After bad days at school I would get home and hope for a peaceful closure to the day. However so often that wasn't the case. I often would arrive home to further insult from my older brothers. Even worse when it hurt so bad that I could no longer hold back the tears and run to my room, they would come in and continue. You see coming from a poor family of 7 it wasn't until I was 17 that I had my own room for a mere 2 months. There was no where I could be alone, no where I could find relief.
Through this time I lost sight of who I was and so desperately sort to find myself again. After years of being called gay and useless I began to believe it. At first the hardest thing to do was to brush off what torment was laid down. But now its no longer what others say but what runs through my mind each and every day. I turned to gay porn in the hope to find comfort but all I found was shame. To this day I have no one I feel I can truly trust. Not out of silence, or unwillingness to open up but due to those I have opened up to distancing themselves and walking away.
So to anyone who might read this I invite you to follow my journey as I attempt to rediscover myself and put my life back on track. It's not going to be an easy road; but one that, no matter how many obstacles block, I must take.